This morning it dawned on me that we lost our dear Dad to the "big C" little over 4 months ago. As I sit here overcome with emotion whilst writing this, it seems the past 4 months have been no less sad than before.
Before this life changing event, I would have felt so guilty about seeing any positive side to my families devastating situation. But recently I figured that is ok to have opposing feelings at the same time. You would have to be superhuman not to let such a negative emotion weigh you down, but do you know what? We can be angry and happy, sad and relieved, frustrated and grateful, realising this helped me cope with my grief immediately after my father’s death.
Even in his last few weeks, we spent everyday as a whole family, my brave Mum, my 2 older brother and I. We sat with Dad laughing, joking, playing games, reading him sailing articles, eating takeaways with a side of tears and generally being ourselves, I was so grateful for the present even with Dad slowly slipping away.
Looking back I'd be selfish to let myself become suffocated by what had happened. My brothers and I had Dad's best years, he was a fabulous father, Nothing was too much trouble (even the recorder concerts and trumpet lessons) and no party was too late to fetch us and our friends. He taught us right from wrong, how to interact with others and skills that have got us successfully to where we all are today. Now, you tell me how I can honestly be sad after having someone like that in my life? He was simply amazing, don't get me wrong I would love more than anything for him to see his grandchildren grow up into beautiful people, but that is just a greedy thought.
After that dreaded phone call on that Thursday night I found that my children brought me back into the moment. It's not easy to deal with my own grief while also dealing with the day-to-day dramas of looking after 2 toddlers, there were times being alone would have been a great option. But if children are good at anything, they are good at living in the moment and making it count, so when I find myself in dreamland letting my sad thoughts take over, I just focus on the cutest little smile or giggle aimed at me.
I'm not saying that this is how everyone can deal with grief, as its a very personal thing and can be very private, however, it has had a great impact on my life without my Dad. I'm not pushing away the challenging moments, I'm letting myself be accepting to both joy and pain at the same time. purely negative emotions and feelings can be so consuming, I simply look for a little glimmer in every situation.